Welcome to Camp Glitter

Welcome to Camp Glitter

From the Management Committee

Hi-de-Hi Campers

You have been specially selected for placement in Camp Glitter by the Committee of the People (fyi  these are the people that once you called your subjects/sheep/rabble/cattle to be culled) and we sincerely hope that you will take advantage of the learning facilities that are at your disposal whilst you are here. Here at Camp Glitter we firmly believe in the principle that Further Education for Murderous Abominations,  (also known as FEMA), is a beneficial programme, that will allow you to see Our New World Order with a much clearer vision.

Clearly there are some house rules and this Introductory Leaflet is just the beginning, we are sure you will soon learn the rest of the rules we shall make up as we go along.

From here on in, you will at all times refer to yourselves by the number that you have been given when you first entered CG.  The use of any other name or identification is strictly forbidden unless special dispensation has been given by the Committee. You will no longer refer to yourself as a person, but as a number. This is purely for your own protection - CG believes in the equality of all campers, and as such titles such as POTUS, Queen, Pope etc would clearly put you at an immediate disadvantage vis-a-vis the other campers and the Staff that are here to help you with your FEMA goals. Please be aware that any privileges you may have had before you became a camper, and any 'goods' or 'money' you may have had before, are no longer at your disposal. All you 'own' in CG is the orange uniform with which you have been issued.

You will wake each morning at 4.00 a.m. - unless you are on a sleep deprivation regime, in which case you won't obviously. The sleep deprivation team will ensure an adequate breakfast is served to all campers. For six days of the week your breakfast will consist of either heavily fluoridated water (if for some reason this is not available there will be Pacific Ocean Water for which we have a great contract with the inhabitants of the country called Japan) or Coca Cola (we are keeping open one CC factory purely for the enjoyment of the campers). In addition there will be something vaguely edible, we are working on that at the moment in the laboratories of the erstwhile Monsatan factory, but we don't want to spoil your surprise just yet.

You will sleep in a different place each night. This is to ensure that you do not take ownership of any space ever, since you are all equal and everything that is here is for the enjoyment of all the campers. As you will see when you get familiar with the camp, there are only 3 beds in the entire camp, and who sleeps in them is entirely your choice, every evening after dinner you will all meet and decide which three individuals are allowed to sleep in the beds. Please be aware that if the same individuals are chosen night after night, they will be eliminated from the game, because where is the equality if you don't all have a chance at sleeping in a real bed - so the elimination of a few pampered campers is for the benefit of you all. We realize this could in fact be a way for you to eliminate a few individuals that you may hold responsible for your stay here, and that is all in the game of course.

Hygiene is of course very important when so many campers are in an enclosed space, so there will be showers twice a week. These showers are of course communal. Please note it is strictly forbidden to wash your body between showers, as we cannot be watching you all showering all the time, and the bathrooms are off limits when none of the staff are there. On the days that the showers actually produce water, this water will of course be cold as this is a camping trip, and we are trying to save resources. On other days the showers may just dribble or produce fumes - sometimes these fumes are innocent - it's all in the game really - we call it Russian Roulette Shower Game (RRSG).

Toilets - each camp block has one toilet for 50 people. Please form an orderly queue to make use of the toilet. Please ensure that you have dried leaves (if you can find them) or some sort of implement for wiping yourself when you have finished. We are trying for this camp to be a return to nature, so toilet tissue will not be available.

Campers with medical conditions. Should you have the misfortune to be ill on arrival, in need of medication or should you become ill during your stay here, please do not hesitate to contact Nurse Ratched, who works from 4.30 a.m. to 5.00 a.m each day. Camp Glitter only stocks a few drugs, such as Ritalin, Prozac and various vaccines, but our Nurse is specially trained to make these drugs cover a multitude of diseases. Many of you of course suffer from chronic health conditions - most of them brought on by an unhealthy lifestyle and advancing age - if this is you, please register for the Virulent Attack (VA) facility - where we can teach you a new healthier lifestyle - we could of course run you through one of the healing machines but that will only happen if you have made the most of your rehabilitative education (FEMA) and have shown that you are no longer suffering from your personality disorders - for some of you this may of course take a long long time.

Educational facilities

We have designed a special Common Core programme for you all - it will teach you things you never even knew existed. The entire course syllabus will eventually be available, but our Education team is still working on the final touches to the programme. Rest assured that you will find the curriculum challenging and stimulating.

What is the little bump on my arm?

The little bump on your arm is an implant, called a Really Funky Idiot Detector (RFID). It allows us to know where you are at all times and monitor your conversations (please see section on conversation in the extended handbook) and is of course purely for your protection should you accidentally break any of the rules of CG. Interfering with the RFID is an offence and will mean that we shall implant it somewhere else instead, maybe in your brain if you have one. We feel this little bump is not unsightly (nowhere near as unsightly as the tattoos that someone suggested) and you will soon get used to it. Should you by any remote chance ever manage to pass the FEMA programme, then we can remove it easily, so please for your own benefit do not let us have to implant it elsewhere.

We are sure you are eager to get going on your education as soon as possible. Please remember this is only the Introductory Leaflet and we shall be issuing further information as soon as we have written it.  Should you wish to talk to the committee or a member of staff, please remember to do so only during the hours from 4.30 a.m. to  5.00 a.m. and only if permission has been obtained in quadruplicate (the relevant request forms for speaking with staff/committee members can be found at the office of the Camp Commander, processing takes approximately four weeks and permission can be denied without any reason being given).

Once again, welcome to Camp Glitter and may you learn all you need to learn to be allowed to leave at some point in the (far away) future.